Parenting after loss; Hudson

“After every storm comes a gleaming rainbow, lighting up the sky with an abundance of colour”

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478 days; 688320 minutes; millions of seconds (my calculator wouldn’t even display it!!) was the time I had to wait from the day I gave birth to Avery to hold a breathing, crying, living baby in my arms. Delivering a baby knowing they’ll be lifeless is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do, and it made delivering Hudson all the more amazing.

I dreamt of that day for 478 days, and when it came – no amount of dreaming could have prepared me for the emotions and instant lifelong devotion that consumed me. Until a rainbow is born, you live in a bit of a bubble, because you have absolutely NO idea how its going to be; “Will I love them as much?” ‘Will I reject them?” “Will I even be any good at this?” All horrible questions to ask yourself, but you really do every day! Anxiety is a bastard and by god did I suffer with my rainbow pregnancy, constant fear of losing them – and it never goes even when they’re here.

I think what makes me unique is how honest I am about parenting after loss, it’s actually not always rainbows (no pun intended) and butterflies every day, its bloody hard work – just as all parenting is. It just comes with added guilt for feeling run down sometimes, a need to make all things rainbow related and the occasional meltdown when the “what ifs” start creeping in,

Deciding to blog about parenting after loss hasn’t come easy, this blog was for Avery, so I’ve become upset at times worrying if she’ll be pushed out even further if I start to dedicate half of the blog to Hudson. However, I know deep down that’s not true. mylittlebirdytoldme is about all of my loss experiences, past and present. Rainbow parenting is a different kettle of fish in my eyes and I want to share all of my experiences with you; The good, the bad, and even the general parenting stuff – just all with a rainbow twist.

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Me and Hudson are on a lifelong journey together, I plan to raise him knowing all about his special big sister in heaven, so follow us on this journey. Just visit any of the Hudson categories on the sidebar to see rainbow related posts – thanks so much for taking the time to read about me, Avery and the light of my life, Hudson Raine AKA Huddy.

We’re just getting started πŸ™‚Β 

Want to read about the birth of Hudson? Click here.

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