“Losing a child is not an event; it is an indescribable journey of survival.Avery was a part of me for only a while, I grieve because I never got to see her smile”
Newly engaged, pregnant with our first child; a daughter – Life back in October 2016 felt like it couldn’t get any better. I had an active little daughter, and as I was stepping over the 7 month mark, I was glowing like never before. I woke up on Monday 10th October like any other day, I was sat eating my breakfast and felt a big huge kick, I remember it so vividly, I said: “There you are little one, good morning” and went on with my day like any other, little did I know that was the last kick I’d ever feel from her.
After a day of getting more and more concerned we went to triage that evening after no movement, I’d tried every trick in the book, and a few hours later what was a bright, exciting world to live in, suddenly became a dark void where I no longer wanted to be. She was lifeless on the screen and I was a changed woman from that moment on.
Two days later Avery Grace Chidgey was born … The most precious, beautiful little 3lb 3oz doll sleeping peacefully.
Weeks of emptiness and emotions followed, and I started blogging to vent my anger, heartbreak and emptiness. Shortly after, I started receiving messages from fellow loss parents saying how I’d helped them in their moment of need, Avery had helped them. I started to heal over time knowing that Avery was making her mark on the world and that’s why this blog still exists today. It now has a new twist with the addition of her little brother Hudson, but this blog will always be Averys. I’ll always have things to say about her, always have days of being inconsolable because I miss my baby girl and wish she was here – she’s my muse for everything I do.
I am a strong, passionate, hopeful and courageous woman because of Avery, I am proud to be a part of the wonderful loss community and be an ambassador for stillbirth and charities like Tommy’s because of her I genuinely believe we have saved lives.
If you’re reading this because you’re suffering (I hate that word but you do really suffer) a loss, let me be the first person to tell you that it gets easier in time. You never EVER forget, you always yearn to hold them that one last time and dream of the day you’re reunited – but it gets easier.
One day at a time XO Nicole
To read more about the day we lost avery and the few weeks that followed, read my first ever blog post here.