Dear Avery, on your second Birthday

Dear Avery,

Wow, you are two little birdy – how did that happen?

Two whole years since you were born into the big wide world, a world you never quite got to see with open eyes. But I’m sure a world you’re exploring from up above.

Two whole years since I overcame more in 2 days than any woman should ever have to face. Two years since I realized just how strong I am, and just how much I was meant to be a mother.

As always, this week is a difficult one for me. My imagination is full of fantasies of your second birthday party, and what should be. You’d be walking, talking and we’d have a good knowledge of what you love by now, so your party theme would be very much based around your choosing. Would it be princesses? Would it be unicorns? Would it even be monsters and dragons– hey whatever you would have wanted you would have received my love.

A lot has changed since your last birthday. Last year was my first experience of celebrating my daughters birthday without a physically presence of a daughter. It was difficult for me, not knowing whether I should be celebrating, but as you know, mummy never knows what is best in this delicate situation and just goes along with it. I loved your birthday gathering so much last year we all decided to do it again.

Grandma, granddad, great grandma and great granddad, uncle will – they all came to celebrate your beauty and little life on earth. You received some beautiful gifts and we all released specially made balloons for you. Like I always knew you would be, you were very spoilt.

Two whole years and I still miss you like you were kicking around in my belly. This year has been exceptionally more difficult because as time goes by my memories start to fade, I have to use pictures to remember the little details of you –a picture always brings me straight back to those two days of cuddles! It’s been different this year, having your brother around to take my attention during your day. Can you believe he decided to get poorly on your birthday – so typical of my babies to try and steal the limelight from each other! You sent me a little tinker with him missy (but I love you dearly for sending him!)

I often look at little girls around your age and wonder what you’d be like. Sassy, independent, kind, empathetic and oh so beautiful I’m sure. Would you be an outdoor girl or would you love cuddles on the couch with mummy and daddy? Would you prefer Barbie or books? Would you be a mummy’s girl or daddy‘s girl? (Daddy’s girl no doubt!).

All these questions I’ll never have answered. But I guess I have to find the silver lining in the hours of fantasizing I have dreaming up what life would be like growing up with you.

I’m so proud of you and all you’ve achieved this year. You’ve won a Tommy’s award, you’ve raised thousands more for charity, your hospital refurbishment project is nearly finished, and you’ve been on a number of radio and TV interviews – you’ve achieved more in two years than most in their lifetime … What more could I ask for?

You’ve made some new friends in heaven this year. It’s been hard to see strong mommas like me lose their babies but we find solace in knowing you’re all together up in heaven. I wonder what they’ve planned for your big day?

Keep shining up above, enjoy your princess party in the clouds, and keep sending me those messages letting me know you’re near.

I love you now, next year, and every year until we meet again.

Love mummy XO

P.S Say hi to Grandma Mabel for me, don’t be stealing all her nail polish like I used to!

To read my letter to Avery from last year, click here

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