Meeting Avery seems like a distant memory now, as time went on I clung onto those mental images I’d taken, the close-ups of every part of her, but unfortunately the brain can only remember so much before it becomes a bit blurry, especially when it tries to look after you and suppress certain memories.
Fear of losing memories of your baby
I really struggled at one part of my pregnancy with Hudson, as I felt he was getting more attention, and I was losing touch with my bond with Avery. No matter how hard I tried, he just took over. I would look at her pictures three, four times a day to remind myself of all those little perfections.
When pregnant after loss, one thing which you often wonder is if they’ll be similar looking (heartbreakingly I’ll never know whether they’re similar in character too). But, I had the privilege of knowing Avery’s beauty so I knew I had something to compare once my rainbow baby arrived.
I can honestly say, the moment Hudson was placed into my arms, parts of him leaped out to me and screamed Avery’s brother! They have so many similar features and I remember a happiness consuming me because I knew I’d be able to see those features grow and know in some respect what Avery would have looked like as she grew.
Like brother like sister
Where do I begin? Their crinkly ears, their hands and feet, and most of all THEIR LIPS! I can’t even explain how much they have identical mouths – a defined cupids bow and fuller bottom lip, just like their mum. There’s one particular image I have of him and the first thing my mum said to me when she saw it was “Oh my god, it’s Avery” and she was so right – they could have been twins!
I often watch Hudson sleeping for hours on end, exploring all the features of his face as I did with Avery when I was alone with her. The way their mouths lie when they’re asleep is identical, as is the way they claw their fingers and stretch out their long feet.
These are the precious things in life which I have to hold onto, Hudson is in no way a replacement of Avery, but I have no shame in admitting I can use him to feel close to her at times when I’m deeply missing her. One look at him and I’m catapulted back to when I spent days with her cuddling, and in some way, I imagine they’ll have been similar as people, so on a day when he’s making me laugh with his cheeky character, I like to think I’d of done the same with her.
Hudson is sassy, and a real smooth operator. I just know Avery will have been the same; a little diva who could flutter her eyelashes to get what she wants.
I’m not to sure how I’d of felt if Hudson had been a girl, I think him being a boy was what we needed as it helped me to separate the two pregnancies, but I guess the love I feel for him would have been the same, he’s my entire world, just like his sister. The hard part about having a boy, on the off chance we don’t have any more babies, is that I’ll never get the mother/ daughter moments which I dreamed of and feel were torn from me when I lost Avery; helping her to say ‘yes to the dress’, giving her a shoulder to cry on when she gets her heart broken for the first time, and just the general girl time which I love so much with my mum. What if can be a cruel thing at times.
Never is there a time I struggle that they look alike, they’re brother and sister at the end of the day – they’re going to! It’s very comforting to me and will continue to be as he grows so I can go into a little dreamland from time to time and vision a growing Avery.
One day at time .. Nicole XO