I want to start this post by apologising to those who have thought “I hope she’s ok” recently – me and rainbow are absolutely fine and now 32 weeks! I know I haven’t blogged or posted on social media for a while, but I have a reason and have just about accepted what that is, so I’m now ready to continue telling mine Averys and Stevens’ story to the world.
A number of weeks back, I started blogging an update about this pregnancy and I broke down … Why? Because it dawned on me that I was writing another post about my rainbow pregnancy and not about Avery. That was a shock to my system; I felt consumed with guilt, almost like I was letting her down by not constantly talking about her.
Honestly, I felt I was losing touch with her.
Nothing in the world can quite prepare you for pregnancy after loss; you know it’s going to be tough but you never estimate just how tough it will be. From the hormones, symptoms and constant anxiety, it’s a hurricane of battle (and happiness don’t get me wrong). The hardest part of PAL (for me) has been finding a way to balance my love and attention for both Avery and Rainbow. I now have two babies and it’s a constant tug of war on my heart thinking I’ve spent too much time thinking/ talking about one more than the other.
Naturally everyone wants to know about this pregnancy, how rainbow is doing, etc and so I’ve found myself in the past few weeks consumed by guilt over Avery – does she know how much I love her? Does she feel left out? I know the answers to those questions deep down but on a low day, the sadness takes over.
And that’s why I’ve been quiet, I guess I felt like: ‘This is Averys blog’ ‘This is Averys Instagram’ and so I didn’t want to consume the feeds with news of her brother. Silly, because I know she handpicked him for us deep down.
I’ve finally realised it’s more than that though, I’m not filling her platforms with news of another baby, instead I’m spreading hope to loss parents by sharing our story – showing that there is light after the storm. And by doing that, I’m helping people through our story – which is what I intended to do in the first place. Clarity is a beautiful thing, it just took a while!
So, I’m delighted to be back writing again, I miss it and I feel closer to Avery already just by doing so.
One day at a time .. XO Nicole