From Nicole · Pregnancy After Loss

The next dreaded milestone; reaching Avery’s gestation

Today is a big day for us all; I’m the exact gestation I was with Avery the day she passed away. It’s been long anticipated and I’m not quite sure how to feel; I’m excited, guilt and grief ridden, nervous, anxious, emotional … you name it.

It’s just over a year ago when I was on the tip of the third trimester, and suddenly our world came crashing down after a day of no movement. No explanation and absolutely no preparation for seeing her lifeless body on the screen. I had been a nervous first time mum and was always extra cautious, I did a lot of reading so was aware that things can go wrong, but having seen her the day before on a 3D scan and recently buying her lots of treats at the Baby and Toddler Show, we were genuinely ready for her and had no idea that I had a pre-existing condition that was slowly causing devastation behind the scenes.

last photo with Avery before she was stillborn
My last ever photo with Avery alive, two days before she died

I constantly have to remind myself that things are different this time, that today is just another day on my PAL journey, but it’s just too significant to shake off. Yes, things are different as I’m on daily blood thinners to prevent any clotting and all scans so far *touch wood* have shown that everything is looking normal and healthy. But honestly, this just adds to my grief because I can’t help but feel heartbroken that Rainbow is getting a chance at life that Avery never got. This day is just another day for him happily kicking away, whereas for Avery, it was the day she took her last breath against her own will because of something which she had no control over – where’s the justice in that!

As always, I’ve taken this week a day at a time as it comes. Luckily this little one has been active resulting in me feeling sane. I’ve also taken extra precautions and had a reassurance check booked in yesterday with Vicky just to listen in and Dr Heazell kindly agreed to give me a quick scan too to check blood flow and volumes – it’s the little things that the amazing team at St Mary’s do that makes these milestones so much more bearable.

The plan today was to make our beautiful new house Christmas ready – an event we tried so hard to enjoy last year to bring some excitement to what was certain to be a difficult Christmas as newly recruited angel parents. It’s been lovely (and tearful for the both of us) to put all of Avery’s special baubles up and see how far we’ve come since they were up last year. It’s really made the day easier by putting on some Christmas music and preparing for what is SURE to be our last Christmas with no *physical* presence of our children.

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All we can ask is that Avery keeps looking over us, little rainbow keeps doing his thing, and my blood continues to progress with flowing as it should be!

Here’s to reaching tomorrow and being the furthest I have ever been in pregnancy.

One day at a time.. Nicole XO

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