From Nicole · Making memories

Dear Steven, Happy Fathers Day

I’ve been so busy recently and I’m full of the flu, so I’m only just getting round to publishing some words I wrote down on Father’s Day. As I always do with special days, take some time out to talk about what we did, and how we felt.

Steven made my first Mother’s Day so special, that I wanted him to have the same sentiment because us Angel parents may have unconventional Mothers and Father’s Days, but that doesn’t mean that we deserve them to be special any less – because we are all parents! 

I say unconventional because I don’t know what else to call it, I guess it’s a strange reality to celebrate being a father without having your child there to bring in breakfast and presents. So, that was my job this year; we started the day with breakfast in bed and I surprised Steven with an engraved leather bracelet which says ‘Avery Grace Forever & Always’. Steven had a little cheap bracelet saying ‘daughter’ that he wore constantly after Avery passed, but he lost it and was heartbroken, so I replaced it with a special one which won’t fall off. And then as we always do with our special days, we spent it on a big hike talking about Avery and our future – so as you can imagine, it was a perfect day and the sun was glorious to add to the beauty. 

On our walk

I wrote down a letter to Steven on Father’s Day, thanking him, and I’m sure all my other Angel mum warriors will feel the same about their partners, because without them, we’d be lost. So here it is: 

Dear Steven,
Today is your day, and I want you to enjoy every second of it without any sadness, because you should stand tall with pride today knowing you are centre of mine and Avery’s universe.

From the moment we met, I fell head over heels, and I still do every time I wake up and see your face. Even more so now, because when I look at you, I see our girl. You gave me the best thing that has ever happened to us, you gave me my first daughter and for that I am forever thankful because she changed my world forever. 

I know how hard it is sometimes, being the man, because I know that you pushed your heartbreak aside to look after me in my moment of need – how hard that must of been I just can’t even imagine. I say it all the time but you got me through the darkest days of my grief – while you were grieving. You’ve kept our daughters memory alive and continue to do so every month with your crazy fundraising, words can’t describe how proud what you’re doing makes me. When I was in labour, you coached me through every single contraction and kept reminding me how strong I was and just when I wanted to give up, you would kiss me on the head and tell me everything was going to be ok. When she was born you showed me it was ok to pick our little sleeping Angel up – god I was so in awe of how you just carried her around and cuddled her, I got strength from you on that difficult day and you helped me to see that I could do the same. I will never forget the image of you cradling her, it’s forever imprinted in my mind as my favourite portrait. 

And then, on days when I was strong, you let me see your vulnerable side, you opened up to me and cried in my arms, which believe it or not helped me to heal as I knew I wasn’t alone in my heartache for Avery. In your moments of despair, I felt strong because I was there to console you and tell you everything was going to be ok – which in turn I started to believe myself. 

And every day still, in the 8 months that have passed since Avery slipped away, you make me laugh till my belly hurts, feel beautiful and most importantly, keep Averys memory alive. And if this doesn’t mean that Father’s Day is for you especially, then I don’t know what does. 

In our happy place

Thank you for being you, thank you for being Averys dad.

Now and always, we love you XOX 

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