Recently I’ve felt like a new wave of grief and emotion has hit me; over time you get used to living with the longing for your baby, however recently I’ve felt like I’ve taken a step back. I understand this is always going to happen to me from time to time; I’ve take 2 steps forward and five steps back after losing Avery on many occasions now – it’s just how life after loss is, but you always get through it.
The latest wave of emotion is quite hard to describe, it’s almost back to the physical pain I endured in the first few months of losing Avery. When I sat thinking about it the other day (because typical me always have to have an explanation for everything) I realised that it has been lingering since the moment I realised Avery had officially been gone longer than she was alive – a heart-breaking realisation which has obviously had much harder than I first thought.
It’s like the moment I said those words out loud, a plate shifted in my heart, and ever since it’s been causing spontaneous emotional aftershocks. Don’t get me wrong, I am effing strong and am so proud of how I still have a thirst for life, I am still everyday resembling the girl I was before – but I just can’t shift this feeling of longing for the life Avery never got to live at the moment. It seems like so long ago now since we heard those words which shattered our world, almost like a distant nightmare which never really happened, and this new pain is here to remind me that it did happen.
We recently holidayed to Mexico, and whilst it was the best two weeks we’ve had since last October and the perfect getaway just the two of us, boy was it tough seeing so many families. I’m pretty sure everywhere we turned, every time we sat down to dinner – there was a young couple with a little girl. I think my clever little Avery likes to put us in those situations to make us realise how strong we are. After a few days of adjustment we got to the point where, when a little girl would sit next to us, we’d just look at each other, smile and squeeze each other’s hands, because we knew what the other was thinking … Of our precious little angel.
I’d love to hear from other mums, who have felt like ‘new’ wave of grief at the stage when their baby had been gone longer than alive; I know I’m not alone. Sometimes I have to admit to myself that not every day is sunshine and butterflies… And that’s ok!
XO One day at a time .. Nicole