I’m coming to the end of my first mother’s day as loss momma, sat in bed watching chick flicks with a glass of wine, and I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself for how I’ve handled today.
As with all the heart-breaking countdowns we have to face after losing a child, I think this has been the one I’ve been dreading the most. Mother’s day has always been one of my favourite days of the year, my mum is the most special woman in my life (other than Avery) and I love nothing more than showering her with appreciation this time every year, it’s absolutely a day I dreamed of celebrating with my babies.
I did what I always do with these kind of days, I didn’t make any plans, I just let everyone know that I was on standby and would decide what to do when I wake up and see how I feel. Usually it could go two ways; I can wake up, cry all day and lie in bed cuddling her ashes eating ice cream and watching chick flicks, or I put my big girl knickers on and see the positivity in the day. Thankfully when I woke up and saw the beautiful sun shining this morning, I knew it was her telling me to get up and enjoy myself.
Beautiful babygrow off my mum for our future rainbow babies
I’ve had the most wonderful day, spent with my mum, grandma, auntie and cousin – I couldn’t be happier than I got up and went out as it was just as beautiful as it always has been – maybe just a little extra special as I was celebrating too. Snuggling in bed now reflecting on how proud I am of myself, I wanted to share some messages …
To my angel on Mother’s Day
Dearest Avery, I’m so honoured to celebrate today as your mother. Receiving cards and flowers on Mother’s Day has always been a dream on mine, and even though it’s just not the same as if you were waking me with breakfast in bed and handmade cards, you still made it so special for me.
A mother is someone who loves and protects their children, and I love you with every fibre in my body. You’ve opened my eyes to a whole new kind of love and I feel it constantly, it surrounds and consumes me every time I think of you. I think back to when it was just me and you in that hospital room, I pressed my cheek against yours and told you how I much I loved you and how much I needed you to keep me strong – well you’re doing just as I asked because every day I wake up feeling a little stronger.
Thank you for keeping me extra strong today and asking the sun to shine for me, I really do wish things were different and you were here with me, but I’m honoured and privileged to have spent 7 months and 2 days with you, and every day that goes by is a day closer to meeting you again.
I love you eternally
To all the mothers out there with aching arms today
I know how hard it can be, whether it’s your first, second or 20th I know that mother’s day when you’ve lost a child will always be a heart wrenching reminder of how today should really be, but just because your baby isn’t physically with you, please don’t ever think this day isn’t for you, because it’s for you more than anyone.
All mums have an endless ocean of love in their hearts for their children, but loss mums have something extra special – a little piece of their baby nestled within them forever. At first, when I lost Avery, that little piece felt like a gaping pain within me. But over time, what first feels like a hole, slowly begins to sparkle and you realise it’s not a hole, it’s a gleaming bundle of the most incredible and unconditional love – over time the pain lessens and the love brings you hope.
It’s that unconditional love which makes us mothers, from the moment I met Avery I changed as a person. She lit a spark within me which I didn’t know existed, and even though I only held her for 2 days, I am her mother, I am an amazing mother, and I am proud of the 7 months I grew her in her little home.
So yes, today will be hard at times, and it will never be the same as if our babies were here, but try to see the positives and celebrate the beauty in the wonderful strength that we possess as a mother – I’m standing strong with you.
One day at a time .. XO Nicole