From Nicole

Trying to conceive after losing a baby 

Well, where do I start with talking about this , it’s such a sore subject because I shouldn’t even be having to think about baby number two. Avery should be two months old, we should be sleep deprived and probably saying one is enough because she’s a little tinker (oh what a welcome thought). But, instead we’re stuck with the harsh reality of desperately trying to give Avery a brother or sister, whilst coping with the grief of only recently losing her.

Deciding when the time is right to try again after stillbirth 

I think we knew pretty much straight away that we wanted to try again as soon as we physically could. My heart aches for Avery and the majority of my grief is for the loss of her – We miss her so much! But, another part of our grief and pain stems from the fact that we should have a baby now, we built ourselves up for this huge responsibility and it was taken away from us in the blink of an eye – the classes, the cot, pram and all her little outfits, we were ready for her, but we’ve been left with only the memories of our angel. Whilst I wouldn’t change the two days we spent with her and my precious pregnancy, it’s just not enough, I wanted a lifetime with her and nothing less.

Pregnancy loss is just a roller coaster of ups and downs. Grief and hormones mixed together are a bitch, then add the pressure and stress of desperation to be pregnant again – I’m surprised I have the energy to get up in the morning. We conceived really quickly last time, so as every negative month passes I instantly think something is wrong and it’s never going to happen again! Silly of me but it can’t be helped. So far it’s only been a few months but it just means so much more, I guess I think it will help with the pain as it will give us hope.

Grieving being pregnant 

When you lose a baby during pregnancy , you don’t just lose your child, you lose your ‘pregnancy’ which is something I absolutely loved. I loved the bump, the glow, the belly feels from strangers, I embraced ever second of it and in a trip to the hospital I lost it all, and I wasn’t prepared for that. So not only do you grief your baby when you lose it, you grief physically being pregnant. Let’s just say this, I will never ever complain about pregnancy aches again – I miss them dearly and can’t wait to have them back.

Trying to conceive a baby after losing a child
Happy times with Avery snug as a bug in my belly

The first time we tried, I burst into tears straight after, I lay there and looked up to Avery’s picture on our wall – why are we doing this, it’s so cruel I sobbed, she should be hereit was such a harsh reality to be faced with, but it does definitely get easier.
Seeing the positives in the negatives 

I think the delay so far is a positive to be honest, we only recently found out that our future pregnancies will require me to take daily aspirin and heparin injections due to my blood clotting disorder. I think every negative has been my body telling me it’s not quite ready yet, the past few months have been hard on me and I trust my body in that it’s only going to conceive when it’s ready to give the next baby the best shot at life.

Also, me and Steven have just got back into the swing of our life again, the first few months after we lost Avery were a whirlwind and we’re just starting to enjoy life again, I think we should keep enjoying it and our peaceful time together with Avery’s spirit until her brother and sister comes along, because there’ll be no more date nights and last minute holidays then! We joke that one day we’ll have 3 screaming kids, be pulling out hair out and wish they were all as well behaved and peaceful as Avery – she’ll always be our first born and special child, and any future babies will most certainly not be a replacement of her. She’ll always be the oldest and her brothers and sister will always grow up knowing her!

I’m under no delusions that our next pregnancy won’t be stressful, I was a nervous wreck with Avery with no reason to be, so our rainbow pregnancy is just going to be a nightmare, but we’re ready for it.

Any tips and advice is welcome for TTC, I struggle to read the forums online it’s full of acronyms – I don’t know my DPO from AF ha ha! We’ve tried everything so far: ovulation sticks, abstaining until ovulation day and even 2-3 times a day (TMI) I guess the minute we stop putting pressure on then it will happen – I can’t complain really, it’s fun trying and has brought us closer again!

Wish us luck,

One day at a time .. XO Nicole 

6 thoughts on “Trying to conceive after losing a baby 

  1. Good luck to you both …it will happen when it does and one day Avery will have her brother or sister …
    God bless you both xxx

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  2. I’m a friend of Steven’s mum – I hope you don’t mind me commenting. I lost my daughter Katherine. She was full term (9 days overdue) when she passed away and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. We lost her 12 years ago and not a day goes by without me thinking about her. Your blogs echo my thoughts even now – the unfairness of it, missing everything we never got to do, but never for a minute regretting carrying her and the hopes and happiness that she brought.
    Unfortunately we were never given a reason why Katherine died but we were told we could try again after 3 months. I was a mum with empty arms and all I wanted was to be pregnant again and have the chance to be a mum. We were very lucky and got pregnant after only a couple of months of trying. My beautiful son Harry was born 11 months after we lost Katherine. I won’t lie, the pregnancy was stressful and didn’t bring the same joy Katherine’s had but we were blessed with a beautiful boy who I couldn’t love more. 2 years later we were lucky enough to have my daughter Eva – again the pregnancy was stressful but every second was worth it.
    Your blogs are beautifully written and I hope they bring you, as well as others, some comfort. I wish you every happiness and hope that you are blessed with those 3 children to make you want to tear your hair out (and they will at times!). Love and best wishes xx

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  3. Good things happen to good people you will get your brothers and sisters for Avery, best advice is to put it at the back of your mind easier said than done I know . Good luck to you both you deserve it 😘

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  4. Hi Nicole,

    We spoke through email a few times. I lost my little boy Zachary last August.
    I conceived in January, just 5 months after losing Zach but unfortunately I have suffered an early miscarriage this time around – I would have been 12 weeks today but found out our baby stopped developing around 9/10 weeks on Friday.
    Everything is still raw and even though I am grieving for our second child within 7 months, I’m still going to carry on trying. I want to be a mum and i’m hoping all this pain is worth it eventually.

    Keep going – you will get your rainbow baby.

    Faye xx

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  5. Have found your blog so helpful, being in a similar position ourselves, it really resonates with how I am feeling. We lost our little girl in November last year at 20 weeks. I would be interested to know of any tips you pick up as we seem to have tried most things and it’s the only thing I can think about at the moment! Best of luck to you both xx

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    1. Hey lovely, sorry to hear about your little girl, I’m sure Avery is showing her the ropes in heaven! The biggest bit of advice I’ve had is to ‘relax and try not to think about it’ which is just impossible isn’t it haha my midwife told me that tracking ovulation and trying to abstain before is the best option – same, share tips if you hear any – we’ll get there! Xxx lots of love and luck to you too

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