Well, where do I start with talking about this , it’s such a sore subject because I shouldn’t even be having to think about baby number two. Avery should be two months old, we should be sleep deprived and probably saying one is enough because she’s a little tinker (oh what a welcome thought). But, instead we’re stuck with the harsh reality of desperately trying to give Avery a brother or sister, whilst coping with the grief of only recently losing her.
Deciding when the time is right to try again after stillbirth
I think we knew pretty much straight away that we wanted to try again as soon as we physically could. My heart aches for Avery and the majority of my grief is for the loss of her – We miss her so much! But, another part of our grief and pain stems from the fact that we should have a baby now, we built ourselves up for this huge responsibility and it was taken away from us in the blink of an eye – the classes, the cot, pram and all her little outfits, we were ready for her, but we’ve been left with only the memories of our angel. Whilst I wouldn’t change the two days we spent with her and my precious pregnancy, it’s just not enough, I wanted a lifetime with her and nothing less.
Pregnancy loss is just a roller coaster of ups and downs. Grief and hormones mixed together are a bitch, then add the pressure and stress of desperation to be pregnant again – I’m surprised I have the energy to get up in the morning. We conceived really quickly last time, so as every negative month passes I instantly think something is wrong and it’s never going to happen again! Silly of me but it can’t be helped. So far it’s only been a few months but it just means so much more, I guess I think it will help with the pain as it will give us hope.
Grieving being pregnant
When you lose a baby during pregnancy , you don’t just lose your child, you lose your ‘pregnancy’ which is something I absolutely loved. I loved the bump, the glow, the belly feels from strangers, I embraced ever second of it and in a trip to the hospital I lost it all, and I wasn’t prepared for that. So not only do you grief your baby when you lose it, you grief physically being pregnant. Let’s just say this, I will never ever complain about pregnancy aches again – I miss them dearly and can’t wait to have them back.
The first time we tried, I burst into tears straight after, I lay there and looked up to Avery’s picture on our wall – why are we doing this, it’s so cruel I sobbed, she should be here – it was such a harsh reality to be faced with, but it does definitely get easier.
Seeing the positives in the negatives
I think the delay so far is a positive to be honest, we only recently found out that our future pregnancies will require me to take daily aspirin and heparin injections due to my blood clotting disorder. I think every negative has been my body telling me it’s not quite ready yet, the past few months have been hard on me and I trust my body in that it’s only going to conceive when it’s ready to give the next baby the best shot at life.
Also, me and Steven have just got back into the swing of our life again, the first few months after we lost Avery were a whirlwind and we’re just starting to enjoy life again, I think we should keep enjoying it and our peaceful time together with Avery’s spirit until her brother and sister comes along, because there’ll be no more date nights and last minute holidays then! We joke that one day we’ll have 3 screaming kids, be pulling out hair out and wish they were all as well behaved and peaceful as Avery – she’ll always be our first born and special child, and any future babies will most certainly not be a replacement of her. She’ll always be the oldest and her brothers and sister will always grow up knowing her!
I’m under no delusions that our next pregnancy won’t be stressful, I was a nervous wreck with Avery with no reason to be, so our rainbow pregnancy is just going to be a nightmare, but we’re ready for it.
Any tips and advice is welcome for TTC, I struggle to read the forums online it’s full of acronyms – I don’t know my DPO from AF ha ha! We’ve tried everything so far: ovulation sticks, abstaining until ovulation day and even 2-3 times a day (TMI) I guess the minute we stop putting pressure on then it will happen – I can’t complain really, it’s fun trying and has brought us closer again!
Wish us luck,
One day at a time .. XO Nicole