Today was a hard day for me, I found myself surrounded by newborns and new mums, and I didn’t quite know what to do with myself.
Since Avery passed, I’ve always found it difficult being around newborns, but it definitely gets easier and I’ve noticed myself starting to interact with them again and staring adoringly at them like I used to, instead of trying to avoid all eye contact with them like I did at first after Avery!
I’m ok with boys, but at first I really found it hard seeing new mums with little girls, when I was off on leave grieving I went shopping in the day to get out and would find myself surrounded by mums on maternity – of course, it was all I had planned to do myself – coffee dates with my little princess was something I really looked forward to, so it hurt like a knife to the chest when I saw everyone else on maternity with their babies. I was on maternity but I only had a hole in my heart to carry around and show for it.
It’s ok to be jealous, you should have the same happiness
These feelings couldn’t be more normal and expected, and trust me it gets so much easier to handle, because they’re everywhere so you adjust! But today was different, I was in the gym changing rooms getting ready and suddenly 30 new mums walked in for a newborn swimming class – I was surrounded by babies and glowing mums. I can’t even tell you how difficult it was, I’m a strong confident woman but my god I’ve never felt so alone and singled out in my life! I should have been one of those women and I just had to dry my hair trying to hide the tears rolling down my face, all I could think about was me changing Avery and getting her ready for swimming – memories I was so excited about making.
BUT, after 5 minutes of trying to drown out the crying and gurgling, I adjusted like I always do. I reassured myself that I WILL be one of those mums with a live baby one day getting ready for swimming, I just have to enjoy my time with Avery which I have at home until then. I have a baby and I have special time with her, it’s just different to other mums, and only stillborn mums will know how special private time with our angel babies is.
One coping mechanism I have when I feel jealous of other parents is to tell myself ‘who am I to look at someone and be jealous of what they have’ – I don’t know them and what they’ve been through to get their baby! One day someone may look at Steven and I with our children and feel the same bitterness, not knowing we’ve been through heartbreak and hell to get there.
Don’t feel bad about being bitter, it’s so normal! You should have your baby, and they were ever so tragically taken away, so it’s absolutely ok to be jealous of what you should have .. But you will one day!
One day at a time .. XO Nicole