This weekend is my first weekend where I have stacks of plans, normally my idea of heaven is lounging on the couch with good wine, food and Steven, but I’ve come to the realisation that my social life is lacking and I need to pick it back up if I’m on the road to finding ‘me’ again!
I think it’s so important not to lose yourself after a loss, 12 months ago I was the happiest I’ve ever been, so vivacious and full of life, today I’m far from that – but that doesn’t mean I won’t be there again one day. If I can do one thing for Avery it’s to ensure that her short life and her loss has a purpose, so me sitting around and ignoring the world is not helping anyone, not Avery, not my friends who want to help me, and most certainly not myself.
One thing I’ve started to enjoy again is getting ready – getting dolled up, I guess it’s a real part of who I was and so when I do it, it gives me the motivation I need to get my ass out the door. I spent a good hour last night doing my hair, my makeup, choosing an outfit, and I felt like I looked nice – like myself, and that’s a big confidence booster and gets all the happy hormones floating around!
When we first lost Avery, I felt guilty for enjoying myself, I’d be having a great night then just in the middle of the meal whilst laughing, it would hit me like a knife to the chest – the guilt! Why should I be out smiling when my child has died? BUT … I now know that it’s because my child has died that I should be out and trying to regain my life. Every moment I spent with Avery she made me happy, so I can’t let the tragedy of losing her define me – she’s deserves a happy mum, who laughs and loves life, because one day we’ll meet again, so I should try to enjoy the time in between until that day.
Moral of the story? Yes you can cry and you will have bad days, but when you’re having a positive day – go out, get dressed up, have a few cocktails, laugh, see friends, dance, go crazy – nobody will judge you and once you stop judging yourself you’ll start to see that you deserve a happy life!
One day at a time .. XO Nicole
We’ve come a long way since we first lost Avery, to see why, read ‘5 weeks ago today’