From Nicole

Do you have any children?

Continuing on from my previous post about anxiety, I’ve recently encountered another question I fear being asked since losing Avery – do you have any children?

Do I tell people I have a child, even if I’ve lost her?

This is a genuine fear of mine, as my head is completely split on both sides of the argument of how to answer:

One half of me wants to say no, purely because if I say yes, it will spur on further questions such as: how old? how many? – and that puts me in an even more awkward position whereby I have to then explain what has happened. It’s really, really cruel that someone being polite and sociable by asking me a question is likely to end in me sniffing my way through an explanation that I’ve lost my baby, and them feeling awful and like they wished they hadn’t asked – so, is it worth just saying no despite it being untrue to prevent the heartache?

The other half of me (the warrior mum half) would shut this down immediately and proclaim YES, I do have a child. Why? Well, because I do and Avery is real – she lived, breathed, her heat beat, she kicked, punched, loved – she is real and I am her mum, so why the hell would I deny this?

Hospital picture with our stillborn beauty Avery at St Marys
This, along with my fulfilled heart is all the evidence I need that we have a child and were amazing parents

 

It’s just another one of the awful and cruel dilemmas that parents who’ve lost their babies have to endure and there really is no right or wrong answer. Good for you if you answer yes to this question, in many ways it builds your confidence in being able to talk about your baby loss without getting emotional – I certainly still need a lot of work in this area! And if you answer no, then that’s perfectly fine too, because you and everyone who matters knows your babies are real, and what incredible parents you are – you’re not forgetting them by saying no, but rather being polite to the person who’s asking, to avoid the awkward/ sad conversation that could potentially follow!

One day at a time .. XO Nicole

To read about other anxieties after losing a baby, see ‘Seeing babies after loss is hard’ and ‘Anxiety about seeing people who may not know’

2 thoughts on “Do you have any children?

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