Dear Avery 

My dearest Avery,

This week marks a very special date, and I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how I’m feeling. Today is your due date, the date we’d been counting down to on our little board, but sadly you fell asleep before you got the chance to see the big wide world, so it’s not quite the day we’d dreamed of and counted down to so excitedly for 7 months.

There’ll never be enough words in the world to tell you everything I would have told over your life on Earth but there just a few things I want to say to you on this special day.

Honestly, I’ve been dreading this day, but now it’s here, I feel nothing but love. As I watch the news I see how scary the world can be, and it gives me peace knowing that in your short time with us, you got the pleasure of only ever feeling love, warmth and comfort, all you heard was mine and daddy’s voices telling you positive things like how much we loved you, you moved to beautiful music that we played for you, you tasted great food (ALOT of it) – you lived a short but fulfilled life and that brings me content.

Avery, my heart breaks for the things that I’ll never get with you; like celebrating your birthdays, teaching you how to put make up on, be your shoulder to cry on the first time your heart gets broken by a boy, drive you to prom, fall over with pride when you get into university, cry when I see you walk up the aisle, be there for you when you have babies – these are the things I looked forward to so much. I’ve been robbed of all those moments, but I haven’t been robbed of the love or pride I looked forward to, as I feel it every time I look at your pictures or remember our time together.

It may not be the life together I dreamed of, but you’re always in my heart and I’ll always write you letters like this to share the world with you.

After this year, October 12th will always your day, but this year I wanted to commemorate this day as it was supposed to be special, so in true Nicole and Steven style, we made sure it was one to remember and everything you deserved. I hope you know how much you’ve fulfilled our lives. You’ve made us who we are today – stronger, wiser, braver and more in love than ever – you’re making an impact on us and the world already  and I can’t tell you how proud that makes me. Im sure you know, but the comments I’ve received from stillborn parents all over the world fills me with love and that’s all you – I always knew you were destined for great things from the very first day you kicked (doctors said I wouldn’t feel you for weeks yet as I had an anterior placenta, but oh no, nothing was going to stop you making your presence known! I guess you get that from your mother).

So, my little princess, don’t worry if we cry, it’s always going to happen because there’ll always a pieces of us missing, but you keep on conquering the world one day at a time from above and I’ll keep spreading the message.

I love you more than anything, my little birdy.

Until we meet again .. XO

To read my letter to 2016, take a look at ‘don’t look back in anger’


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