Don’t look back in anger 

Dear 2016,

We’ve had our ups and downs haven’t we?! You started out so well, and ended up testing me to my limits .. I could easily say you were my worst year, but why would I?

I’m a big believer in being grateful, and I have so much to be grateful for from 2016. For starters, you gave me these two magical things right here  …

You gave me a promise that the man who I love more than anything loves me back just as much. You gave me a dream proposal in paradise and a ring I still look at everyday and pinch myself over, so how could I possibly say 2016 was my worst year when the happiest night of my life was right at the start.

And then you gave me Avery, the absolute light of my life, you showed me that me and Steven can create a miracle and while you may have taken her away from me too soon, you will never take away my motherhood or the precious moments we spent with her. 2016 showed me I can carry a baby and grow perfection, you gave my first magical baby kicks – wow, the moment me and Steven first felt our baby’s movements – what a dream that was!

Avery will always be my first child, my introduction to motherhood, my first glimpse of seeing the amazing father Steven is, and the love of my life – 2016, I thank you for getting me so far in my pregnancy that I got the chance to spend two wonderful and inspiring days with our girl. Whilst it wasn’t the lifetime I’d hoped for, it was enough to fill my entire soul with unconditional love.

And that’s not all you’ve given me; you showed me I am one tough ass woman with a knight in shining armour – there is nothing that me and Steven can’t conquer as a unit and we know that for sure thanks to you.

You’ve showed me my body is capable of amazing things, snapping back to normal so quickly after the trauma I went through in delivering a stillborn.

You’ve showed me I have the world best support network, and that there are good people in the world who would do anything for us – it’s been humbling and given me faith in humanity. You’ve also shown me how lucky we are as a country to have the NHS, the support we’ve received from the midwifery team at St Mary’s is incomparable.

You’ve shown me it’s ok to cry, not to be embarrassed, to embrace the pain and take each day as it comes.

Finally you’ve given me purpose, people spend their lives looking for meaning to their life, looking for something to do which fulfils them, and for me, my purpose is to give Averys death purpose, to break to taboo, speak out about the pain, comfort others who go through it in the future and raise awareness of the incredible teams and charities who are doing all they can to research stillborns and prevent pregnancy loss in the future.

I can look back in anger and scream at you for all the bad things that’s happened, but what’s the point when the positives outweigh them so much more.

So, 2016, thanks for the good memories and fuck you for the heartache. I’m ready for 2017!

And Avery, my love, until we meet again, this toast is for you 💜

(To read my letter to Avery on her due date, read ‘Dear Avery’)

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  1. Pingback: Dear Avery 
  2. Pingback: We are all mums

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