Wednesday was a big step for us, we brought Avery’s ashes home …
I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about it, but now having a few days to adjust and let out my emotions, I feel content, because I know she’s with us where she belongs.
I can imagine that for most (including myself), it’s impossible to find happiness in bringing your baby home that way, it should be in a car seat and a day filled with joy. It’s cruel and unfair, but in some way, it does feel like your bringing your baby home with you – and eventually it feels comforting.
Don’t get me wrong, I asked Steven for some time alone with her and it was heart breaking. I sobbed and sobbed, but after the tears I got to speak to her, and it really felt like I was speaking to her – like I did when I said goodbye to my baby for the last time in the hospital, I told her all the things I wanted her to know.
She is currently on my bedside table, and I’ve been sleeping well knowing she’s right next to me, I say goodnight to her every night – everyone will be different, and some will think I’m a loon, but it’s what comforts me. That’s what the grieving process is all about, finding what supports and comforts you.
Something very strange happened the other night, my mum came round with her dog Marley. He normally doesn’t ever leave her side, especially not in other peoples houses, but from the moment he came through the door, he was acting very strange. After a while we’d noticed he’d left the living room and was barking upstairs, we went to find him and he was barking like a mad man trying to get into our bedroom – something he has never done in his 2 years. Eventually we opened to the door and he jumped straight onto the bed next to her ashes – call it coincidence but that combined with him staring into space and acting strange genuinely give me goose bumps. They say dogs have a sixth sense, and I am now a firm believer of this! Ever since that night, I’ve felt a little stronger, because I know she’s here with us 🙂
Deciding what to do with our babies ashes
I’m not 100% sure what we’ll do with her ashes yet, I think we’ll put a small amount of them into our wedding rings when we get married so she’s always with us, even when we’re not at home. But, I want to keep the majority of them at home and have a custom urn made for her.
One day at a time .. XO Nicole
To read more about what we’ve done with our home to feel Avery all around us, see ‘Making sure Avery is home with me’