Yesterday was bittersweet, but today I feel stronger for it!
Over the past two days I’ve been very emotional, normally I can talk about Avery until I lose my voice, but I noticed that just the mere thought of her caused me to burst into tears. Then yesterday, it all made sense – I got my first period since I found out I was pregnant last May and the surge of emotion was my hormones and my body starting to get back to normal.
See the positives, you’re body is recovering
Yes, your first period is a harsh reminder that your not pregnant anymore, and that your body is back to it’s normal state – it’s a crappy reality. BUT, it’s also a sign that your amazing body has recovered from a trauma, and the physical scars are healing! And, for some people who have thought about eventually trying again, it’s a sign of hope that you’re one step closer.
For me, that’s why I’ve woken up feeling so positive today, despite the labour and trip to the theatre, my body is back to normal after 5 short weeks.
Thinking about trying to conceive after pregnancy loss
I know not everyone will feel this way and the feelings of wanting to try again are very new to me. At first I didn’t entertain the idea at the worry that Avery and the rest of the world would think I’m trying to replace her – but that is absolutely NOT the case. I always wanted a big family, and I’m starting to think about brothers and sisters for Avery – she’ll always be a HUGE part of our life until the day we die, she’ll always have her corner and her shrines around the house and her brothers and sisters will always know about her! For me, a chunk of my pain stems from yearning to mother my baby, and it’s the same for Steven. I don’t think that pain will go until the day we hear our baby cry for the first time.
I sometimes worry “Will I ever love them like Avery?”, but I know that those kind of thoughts are completely normal – of course I will, as much as Avery will always hold a close part of my heart, so will all my other children.
People say when you lose a child, a piece of your heart goes missing, but I believe your heart is like a jigsaw piece that grows as you get older. Every new love is a new piece of the jigsaw, and Avery is certainly one special piece that will always be there but as my jigsaw grows, my pain will ease.
So, my advice for people around this time? Embrace your first period when it happens, its just another reminder from mother nature that you have one SERIOUSLY strong body that can conquer anything, and when/ if the time is right, start thinking about the bundle of brothers and sisters you’ll have for your angel.
Making a plan for a new baby, when you’re ready
I always believe it’s good to have a plan as control is something I personally need in my life. Me and Steven are starting to talk about when we think it will be safe to start trying (my midwife said after 2 normal cycles) and are always thinking about preparing our bodies for it so they’re in tip top shape. We got pregnant very quickly the first time round and I genuinely believe that’s because I drank lots of water, worked out, limited caffeine and alcohol and took all the right supplements. Less than a year ago we wasn’t even thinking about babies, so yes we may be back to square one after the hardest year of our life, but we have a miracle to make us smile every day and our health – and that’s a lot more than most!
One day at a time .. XO Nicole